


Under These Fluorescent Lights

by daretogobeyondtheunknown



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-12 18:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12965889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daretogobeyondtheunknown/pseuds/daretogobeyondtheunknown
Summary: Please note, this is a re-posting of a piece I have done. You may find my original piece over on my blog: http://daretogobeyondtheunknown.tumblr.com/Thank you to xavacid for your hard work on originally bringing my work to this platform, you are incredible.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note, this is a re-posting of a piece I have done. You may find my original piece over on my blog: http://daretogobeyondtheunknown.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thank you to xavacid for your hard work on originally bringing my work to this platform, you are incredible.

“What do you mean you can’t tell us? You-“

“I think what he means to say is that Kara has no next of kin. He’s probably the closest thing,” Winn interjected, elbowing James to keep silent.

The emergency room was chaotic and the last thing anyone needed was for James to cause a ruckus. Especially Kara.

Outside the lights of the media flashed.

All it would take was one out of place word or one misstep and it would no longer be as simple as an accident but the sudden repercussions of a string of accusations. As if somehow, the actions of James were the mantle Kara wore and had to respond for, no matter how loosely they might be linked.

If it had been Winn, the questions never would have been poised or the subject of heated debate. The scrutiny of the media were unequal and Winn knew that.

“I’m sorry, but the law is the law,” the nurse offered sympathetically.

-

“Excuse me? I’m looking for my- for Kara.”

Downwind of the nursing station, hunkered into the hard plastic of the waiting room chairs, Winn perked. By and large, Lucy and the hospital security had done well at filtering any wayward fans. Of course, they were human, and rising to his feet, Winn moved to direct the woman out.

“And does this Kara have a last name, ma’am?”

“Danvers?”

Winn stopped mid stride, confusion spreading across his features. The name stated  _was not_ Kara’s and this woman, beautiful as she might be, was either deluded or looking for someone entirely different else who coincidentally happened to have the same name and be in the same hospital at the same time as Kara.

“Your name and ID?”

Winn never heard the name as the brunette slid some form of identification towards the placid nurse. Whatever it said caused the nurse to deflate, her shoulders sunk and her lips turned downcast.

“She’s in surgery right now. Why don’t you grab a seat, hun, and I’ll have someone by to tell you more?”

“Thank you.”

The waiting room itself was virtually empty – save an elderly gentleman, James and himself. It was an arrangement Lucy had somehow managed, free of the leering eyes of the media and the other hospital patrons, and for that Winn was grateful.

As the woman settled into the chair nearest the station, Winn remained wary. Her posture screamed aloof and it was mirrored by the way the features upon her face settled. It reminded Winn of the stationed guards he had seen during his tour of the White House last autumn. Never once had they smiled or offered any form of acknowledgement.

-

At the seven hour mark, James speaking in hushed tones to the nurse at the station desk, the ding of the elevator was a welcome diversion to the tedium of waiting. There was only so much social media Winn could catch up on and only so many lines he could commit to memory when his brain felt like mush.

The tall dark complexioned gentleman that emerged, dressed in a crisp tailored suit, felt out of place in the hospital climate at half past three on a Tuesday morning.

But then again, as he sat wordlessly down beside the rigid brunette, all steel eyed and proper posture, Winn realised no one truly fit.

-

“Oh God, Alex?”

The voice broke the monotony of the codes called on the overhead speaker and movements of the hospital staff.

It had been roughly thirteen hours since Winn had arrived to the hospital with James and neither of them had heard a word on Kara’s condition. Even Lucy, Kara’s agent, had been left in the dark. Legalities, the hospital staff cited.

From time to time, Winn noticed how the staff would pull the brunette aside. It was always out of earshot and Winn imagined they were updates on whomever it was she was waiting for. In those brief moments, he noticed how her posture would shift and her features would soften. But it was always temporary and when the conversation would end, so would the flicker of emotions.

But until this moment he had never caught a name. It wasn’t that he was intentionally trying to eavesdrop, except that he was. This woman, with her male companion stationed by her side like a personal guard, was an enigma and in the delirium of the wait, Winn wanted to understand where it was that they fit into some grander life scheme.

The woman rushing off the elevator, frantic and disorientated, was like how Winn always imagined most people would be in the unsettling wait that accompanied the surgery wait room. James was a pacer. He had paced the enter length of the hall so much so that Winn was sure if someone looked close enough, they would certainly see a well worn path. And Winn was the over thinker, his mind having already devised sixteen possibilities for why Kara’s surgery was taking so long. It was rather morbid, really.

The hug was catatonic, more one sided than anything, and Winn realised he was probably intruding on a very personal moment with very human troubles. But like an accident unfolding before him, Winn struggled to tear his eyes away.

“You’re okay, I thought-“

“Kara’s in surgery. She coded twice.”

It was like telling the weather, Winn thought, bland and unimportant. If he didn’t know how long this woman had waited, Winn might have thought she didn’t care. And maybe she didn’t. About any of it. And yet here she still was. Waiting. For something.

“Oh honey.”

Like a clock striking the hour, realisation struck Winn. He had never met her, the woman from the elevator, but he had seen pictures and heard the odd story. Eliza was her name. Kara’s foster mother. A woman Kara was tight lipped to speak about and in all the years Winn had known Kara, he never understood why. Kara had always spoken so positively of their relationship in the rare moments.

Waiting in the stillness of the plastic chairs, Kara’s foster mother present, Winn realised this brunette had been asking for Kara. His best friend Kara. Kara Zorel, not Kara Danvers, and before Winn could think things through, he was on his feet.

“Excuse me, ma’ams?” Winn extended his hand, “I’m Winn Scott, Kara’s best friend.”

-

It surprised Winn how much Eliza seemed to know about him.

In some respects, it wouldn’t have been the most shocking news had this woman been a fan. Virtually his entire life story was published somewhere online. However, as he spoke with Eliza, it became apparent she only knew Winn through the lens of Kara and the moments he had never realised she had shared.  

Eliza knew about the time Winn had fallen up the stairs in his own apartment and the time he had answered the door in only his briefs because he could have sworn he put on pants. She also knew about James and how he and Kara had met. Beyond that though, she seemed to know little.

Winn also learned about Alex, rigid Alex, the only daughter of the Danvers’ and her friend who went by J’onn. Just J’onn.

Eliza had explained how she and her late husband had been close friends to the Zorel’s and when Kara’s parents had passed, it seemed only natural that she would come to stay with the Danvers. And Kara had for about eight years.

It was enthralling, to learn of this side Kara had never shared with James or himself but none of it explained why Alex was still the only one the doctors and nurses would speak to regarding Kara’s condition.

-

“So you’re like, Kara’s foster sister, right?” Winn asked.

J’onn had left to attend to matters that had sounded urgent. Stationed by Alex’s side, he had spoken little until out of necessity, a call had taken him away. Alex seemed to understand, offering no words just a nod and lowered shoulders.

Maybe he was wrong, but Winn guessed Alex wasn’t so fond of the idea but acknowledged the reality.

“Not really.”

James shifted nearby, stretched out over four plastic chairs, dozing lightly. Eliza had disappeared and Winn couldn’t recall when he had last seen the older woman. A researcher, he had learned, who lived not too far from here. Maybe she had gone home.

“But… your parents took her in. They fostered her,” Winn stated as though he were speaking to a child.

Legalistically, that meant siblings and maybe Alex just didn’t know. Or maybe, if the distance and the absence from Kara’s life was anything to go by, Alex had never seen it as such. Just another body occupying space in the scheme of life.

But it didn’t make sense. Not when Eliza had described them as inseparable. And it truly made even less sense when the charge nurse would turn to Alex first, as if seeking consent, before addressing the group with any update.

“And that was their decision, not mine.”

-

Kara was stable.

With elation, Winn rung Lucy. Odds were she was up to her eyes in cleanup work and running on sheer willpower, but Winn knew he wasn’t the only one anxious on Kara’s status.

“ _Winn? Is-_ ”

“Before you panic and ask me twenty questions, can I just say that Kara is stable. She is in the IUC now. They say the next forty-eight hours are critical but they don’t foresee any further complications,” Winn listed off all the pertinent facts he could recall.

It had taken twenty-two hours and Winn would never forget the way the surgeon had turned to the stoic form of Alex Danvers.

“ _Any further- Winn, what the hell happened? And how do you know-_ ”

Winn sighed, the remaining remnants of adrenaline seeping from his pores, “He told Alex,” the reality of the situation suddenly felt inescapable upon his chest, “Lu, he told her wife. He told Kara’s  _wife_.”

“ _Shit_.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.”
> 
>                                                                                               Rumi

“Cut!”

Winn sunk into the plush chaise of the office set.

It was a far cry from the cold hard plastic his body had molded to under the florescent lights of the hospital waiting room and nothing about it felt right. It gave in all the wrong places and it felt a lot like floating. All of it was just  _too much:_ too much comfort, too much warmth, too much relief.

“How’s she doin’?”

If decorum were not ingrained again and again by Lucy – no different than a drill sergeant – Winn surely would have groaned, the frustrations of the question slipping passed his lips. It was a simple question. It was a genuine question. And yet, since leaving the hospital early Wednesday morning, it was all Winn heard.

He loved Kara – wanted nothing more than for Kara to be okay, to be stretched out on this far too fluffy prop chaise laughing over botched lines and far too dramatic intentions – but she wasn’t and Winn hated it. He hated how it made him feel. He hated how nothing would make it better.

Except time, maybe time.

“She is stable in ICU. The doctors seem hopeful.”

His head throbbed. The exhaustion he felt seemed to stretch beyond simply physical - like a steady thrum in his bones that echoed through his body like some unending earthquake.

“Shit. How’s her boyfriend taking it? What was his name – Jason? Jim? No, James!”

Oddly enough, Winn missed the familiarity and the rigidity of the abysmal plastic chairs. At least there, no one asked him questions he didn’t know how to answer.

x

_“Alexandra Danvers?”_

_Winn noticed the way her shoulders tensed and the corners of her lips twitched ever so downward. It was hardly visible – only something discernable after hours of constant observation – and it only served to add to the ambiguity that was Alexandra Danvers._

_“Alex.”_

_Silent understanding seemed to pass over the face of the surgeon with a familiarity Winn was not accustomed to. As if somehow, someway, the face that had been present for all but a minute knew Alexandra Danvers with more profundity than her own mother._

_“My apologies, Alex. Kara sustained serious trauma during the accident. For now, she has been stabilized but the next forty-eight hours will be the crucial.”_

_The way the surgeon flipped through the pages on their clipboard made Winn reminiscent of the set of the hospital drama he had met Kara on. The timing was all wrong, but Winn couldn’t shake the mental image._

_“I noticed you requested a copy of the report. I have several notes to put together first but I’ll have Deborah bring it over as soon as I am done.”_

_“When can we see her?”_

_Winn had almost forgotten about James and his constant foot tapping and probing of the nursing staff, desperate for anything._

_“I’m sorry sir but we won’t know that until she is stable enough to leave the ICU. When she is, the next of kin will be allowed to see her. Unfortunately, anyone else will have to wait until she regains consciousness. Alex, Deborah will have your wife’s report ready shortly. Please don’t go far.”_

x

Nodding to the security at the door, Winn entered the hospital.

If anyone would have ever told him how calmed the sterile stench and cold hard plastic chairs would make him feel, Winn would have called them crazy.

And yet, here he was comforted by the horrible stench and relieved by the feel of plastic against his skin. Even the codes called over the paging and the intermittent conversations of the hospital staff felt warming.

“Mr. Schott, come to see Mrs. Danvers again?”

It still threw him for a loop, reeling to the side and nattering nonsense.

Whether he had unintentionally caught sight of some legal documentation or caught snippets of conversations not meant for him, Winn struggled to believe its validity. Kara was lousy at keeping secrets. Winn knew about the time she had stolen Tom Barts’ sandwich in the second grade because he was a bully and he had stolen it. Winn knew how Kara had apologized two days later because she had just felt  _so guilty_.

“Of course, Deborah. Is she still in the same room?”

Then again, up until last week, Winn had been under the impression Kara had grown up alone and Mandy Chen had been her high school best friend. But according to Eliza Danvers, Mandy Chen was hardly a blip in Kara’s social radar.

Or well, a blip when compared to Alexandra Danvers.

“Of course, Mr. Schott. Only the best for, Mrs. Danvers.”

As Winn said his thanks and turned to walk down the hall, he wondered how much of “only the best” had more to do with Alex and J’onn than Kara and her celebrity status.

x

“Winn, do you believe in ghosts?”

The script was remarkable but it paled in comparison to the many dimensions of Kara Zorel –  _Danvers_.

Perhaps it was what had made Kara into the brilliant actress she was; her ability to meld and form to any character and any role. There was no niche, just an excellence where she was set, like a seed planted and tendered to one-day blossom.

And blossoming she was. Or had been until the accident.

“Like the  _Ghostbusters_ kind or  _El Orfanato_?”

Pensive was not one of the many shades of Kara Winn had seen outside of fictional sets or scripted reads. Or maybe it was and Winn had simply never been privy.

“Like… ghosts from your memories. Things that just  _don’t_  exist anymore but it’s… it’s like they’re  _all_  you have. Like they’re all you can  _smell_ and all you can  _feel_.”

It felt wrong, to hear those words –  _feel_ those insecurities – and to know that just outside of the grips of Kara’s consciousness lingered perhaps that very ghost. To know that Alexandra Danvers lingered always just out of reach and to not be able to speak a word of it.

“Maybe- maybe it’s just… the medication they keep giving me and I mean my head has felt foggy ever since I woke up.”

It was killing him.

x

_It had never crossed his mind that Alex held the power to provide visitation rights until the doctor pulled them aside, explaining the rules and stipulations._

_“Alex has granted each of you permission to visit Mrs. Danvers.”_

_It was all serious and formal with eight-point font forms and clause after clause of legalities. Even Lucy looked overwhelmed and Winn knew she thrived in clauses and tiny font and legalities._

_“When Mrs. Danvers regains consciousness she may be confused and easily disorientated. We have come to the consensus that it is best not to overwhelm her. We ask that you not introduce significant events or situations that have occurred since the accident.”_

_“So Alexandra Danvers?”_

_Winn didn’t understand why the straight forwardness of Lucy’s words hit him like a freight train but it hurt and Winn felt the axis of his existence teetering. It was any wonder what thoughts were racing through James’ mind. It was still a lot to take in, either way, and Winn wouldn’t be surprised if he folded like some cheap lawn chair._

_James was a nice guy but a wife was a lot to take in._

_“That is correct. We have agreed it would be for the best for Mrs. Danvers recovery.”_

_Winn wondered if we meant in part Alex._

x

“What is wrong with you- How can you just stand there and do nothing?!”

Hands running through his hair, Winn counted backwards from ten. He was angry. He never got angry.

And yet, Alex seemed to pull it out of him as if he hadn’t spent half of his life working meticulously towards taming it. As if Winn was the bag of potato chips down isle twelve and all Alex had to do was  _yoink_.

When J’onn stood - frame towering and protective - and the nearby posted guard approached, Winn wondered if this was how he was going to go. If it was, the very least Alex could do was just  _tell_ Kara. Ease her growing trepidations. Do  _something_ other than stand by, hidden in the shadows but apparently still felt in every part of Kara’s subconscious.

It figured Alex would remain stoically closed off, shaking off both the guard’s and J’onn’s presence like a general turning away the support of their infantry.

“The posted security in this facility are not just to keep unwanted visitors out, Mr. Schott. I am sure the staff also appreciate calm, respectful guests while they do their work.”

Glancing over at the nursing station, Winn caught the looks of disappointment. They had expected better of him and if Winn was being honest, he did too.

But there was just something about Alex – rigid, aloof Alex – that wound Winn tighter than the spring of a child’s first Jack-in-the-Box.

x

When Winn was twelve he had listened to how his parents screamed, how things broke and how eventually one at a time they left, fading out of his life like early morning fog under the afternoon sun. Ever since that moment he supposed love was an idealization, built in darkness with the shortest of fuses.

Like a one hit wonder.

And nothing thus far had disproved him; not the soaring rate of divorce or the flourishing industry of fantasized realities.

True love didn’t exist and nothing lasted.

But perhaps Alexandra Danvers - hunched over the side of the hospital bed, reciting prose well worn and bound on Kara’s shelf from memory - ignited something. Made Winn silently wish for fairy tale endings and love indefinitely.

Because maybe, Winn knew how much Kara loved it. That book. And just maybe, it hurt a little too much when Kara asked him about ghosts and regrets and love. And just maybe, Winn wanted to believe because if anyone deserved fairy tale endings and love indefinitely it was Kara.  

x

“Why do you do that? Do all that and let him sweep in and take the credit?”

Winn likened talking to Alex like talking to a wall: it didn’t listen, it never offered words in return and more often than not, Winn just felt down right stupid when he turned to leave.

It wasn’t that he didn’t try. No, Winn had tried. But there were only so many times he was willing to have his attempted conversations kiboshed before thinking that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t worth it.

But of course, it only lasted so long and when Winn caught sight of Alex - tucked just out of Kara’s line of sight - it made it all the more difficult  _not_  to say something.

James and Kara looked happy. They laughed happy. But the tucked blankets, the selected meals, the stationary, even the supplies used to clean every inch of Kara’s room were all chosen by Alex. And James got all the credit. It wasn’t hard considering Kara’s assumptions and Alex’s distinct  _absence_ in Kara’s life.

“I mean; James doesn’t even know what she likes in her coffee let alone what detergent she prefers for her linens. But you do; you know what scents she likes for her linens, her preference in the order of her cutlery, and heck, even the arrangement and preferred count for her floral sets!”

If Winn was honest, he had stopped expecting anything from Alex unless it in some way made Kara more comfortable in her hospital room. So when Alex spoke, all low tones and broken, Winn wondered if maybe he had it all wrong.

“Because I never did them for credit. There is no score. Just what is right.”

Maybe Alex wasn’t all rigid and all aloof. Maybe Alex was just as broken as Kara and neither of them knew how to make it better again.

x

“I can’t believe them. They’re supposed to be your fans but… they’re crazy.”

It was an unwritten rule James had signed the moment he and Kara had chosen to pursue more than friendship. Fans were a given in the industry. No one just walked into the kind of lifestyle Kara lived and said ‘no thanks, just hold the fans’ like it was some optional topping on the dish. Part of Kara included the very public aspect: the fans and the media.

James knew that. Winn knew that. Heck, even rigid stoic Alexandra Danvers and her equally quiet friend, J’onn, probably knew that.

“That isn’t true. They just have really big hearts.”

And so did Kara, Winn observed.

Even frail and willowy, the blacks and blues and purples stark against her pale skin, Kara was still looking out for the well being of others. Others she didn’t know; might never know. Even when she had far greater issues to be concerned about; like the way her breathing stuttered when she got even the slightest bit anxious, like her body had forgotten how to draw breath. Or like when her muscles spasmed making simple tasks seemingly more difficult than climbing a mountain.

“Pfft, you’d probably forgive anyone. Even Alex.”

The silence in the room felt deafening and Winn wished for a magical button that could erase the tumultuous wave of emotions contorting Kara’s features: confusion, agony, betrayal. But there was no magic button and as the world seemed to regain its speed, Winn wished instead for time. Time to make things better.

Personally, Winn had nothing against James.

He was a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and a respectable career in free lance journalism.

But sometimes he could just be an idiot and his ugly green head of jealousy became a little too much. Sometimes, Winn wished James would just keep his mouth shut and his jealousy in check and remember that this wasn’t the time for everything to be about him.

“Wh-what did you just say?”

It sounded part broken, part livid, and Winn felt trepidation for the way Kara’s body shook like a leaf amidst a storm, teetering on the edge of separation. Kara was bright, bubbly, and sometimes frustrated, sometimes sad. But more often than not she was this eternal fountain of optimism.  

“Shit, no. Kara. I didn’t-“

“What did you say!”

Her breathing was short and erratic and Winn wondered if maybe he should pull the cord, call the nurses. Because either Kara was going to pass out or she was going to lunge and then pass out. Either way, none of it sounded good and Kara just needed to rest and to heal and to be okay again.

“Look, Kara, forget what I said. It was stupid and-“

Winn silently agreed, it was stupid. But the world didn’t work in take backs and some magical rewind button.

“Get out.”

Outside the room, Winn heard the sound of voices and commotion. When the staff entered, pushing past his body and towards Kara, Winn was hardly surprised.

“Kara, I-“

The narrowed eyes of the staff and the unspoken ushering was all Winn needed. It wasn’t like he wanted to leave Kara – trembling and broken – but Winn knew there were no words that could fix this.

“Now!”

In the hall, Winn noticed how equally anxious Alex looked.

Winn wasn’t a betting man but if he was he would bet Alex was internally berating herself. She had that same look he did, pinched into the corners of her brow when Winn felt his worth stripped and his inner voice taking hold in the most volatile of ways.

Pressing his back into the white washed wall, Winn allowed his body to sink, settling down beside the form of Alexandra Danvers.

“You’re stupid.”

If J’onn looked every part offended, Winn never saw, his attention focused on the small off white speck on the wall ahead and the gut wrenching sobs from the room behind him. It was heart breaking and Winn didn’t understand how Alex could just  _be_.

“I know.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.”
> 
>                                                                                               Elizabeth Gilbert

“I want to talk to Alex.”

It was the tone, detached and formal that caught Winn off guard.

“Kara, I don’t think-“

Before Lucy was ever Kara’s agent, Lucy had been her friend. Would always be her friend. She was the one Winn knew Kara called in excitement or when her shoulders felt heavy with unending expectations. Lucy was reason and stability.

“I am not signing anything until I talk to my wife.”

But under the florescent lighting, Lucy negotiating nondisclosure agreements and divorce clauses, Kara looked more like a stranger than a friend and Winn wondered if Lucy saw it too.

“Kara, please, would you just-“

If Winn thought Kara had closed off under the scrutiny of James and his questioning around Alex, he was wrong. Because this Kara looked like a stone wall with no notable features and no clear entrance to what lie beneath.

x

_“Sign it.”_

_It had been a rough day on set. The site was understaffed – some bug going around – and the guy covering on sound just couldn’t seem to get anything right. Winn could have sworn he heard ‘cut’ and ‘get that boom mic out of the shot’ more today than over the entire duration of his seven-year career._

_“No.”_

_Winn skidded to a stop._

_“Look, if you want what is best for Kara yo-“_

_Around the corner, Winn heard Lucy and the singular response of Alexandra Danvers._

_“Might I suggest that you choose your next words carefully, Ms. Lane. Threats are not something I take lightly.”_

_It was the most Winn had ever heard J’onn speak._

_Around the hushed whispers and pointed stares, Winn had imagined little from the looming man. But this was strong, authoritative, and if Winn was quite honest, terrifying. It reminded him of when he was nine and the corner shop owner had caught him attempting to sneak off with a handful of unpaid for gummies._

_“I could say the same for you, Mr. J’onzz. I imagine you understand the severity of the situation should this information find its way into the hands of the press. For yourself and for my client.”_

_Winn had always disliked Lucy in work mode. It was like she could become this other person who didn’t awe over cute dog videos or sing ‘I Just Can’t Wait to Be King’ while cooking eggs. It felt a little like whiplash and a lot like the crushing reality of the life he had chosen to live._

_“I am not the one demanding anyone sign legal documents, Ms. Lane. And should this information find its way into the hands of the press or the public, The Aurora Organization is prepared.”_

_It sounded a lot more like strategizing for war than damage control and not for the first time Winn wondered just who these stoic forms were._

x

At face value, Eliza Danvers was a highly successful researcher. She had achieved great accolades in her chosen profession and had become an inspiration to many either entering into the field or currently a handful of years in.

Her personal life had been marked by tragedy when her husband of eighteen years had passed in a work related accident, leaving Eliza behind to care for their two teenage children. But through it all she had persevered and had continued to live an abundant life.

“You aren’t twelve anymore, Alexandra. It is time you stop playing house and make believe. Kara did and look how wonderful she is doing now.”

Under the glow of the fluorescent lighting, hidden and tucked away from plain sight, Winn felt the tendrils of familiarity slipping away. The posture was foreign, the edge to her voice unthinkable, cutting like a knife Winn had never knew existed.

Winn might not have denied it before, but there was no denying now how very much Kara was  _struggling_  and  _pretending_. Externally, Kara had soared. But internally, Winn realised she might just have been crumbling all along and Winn wondered if Eliza had ever seen it. Or maybe she had never wanted to.

“I let you get away with those perverse ideas as a child. I should have listened to your father. But I didn’t and look at what happened?”

Nothing about this Eliza Danvers was the woman Kara had ever described nor was she the woman that had settled beside him, sharing for hours’ tales of a much younger Kara and an apparently much more talkative Alex.

“Your father would be so disappointed in you.”

For the first time, Winn wished the ominously looming form of J’onn was present. It might not have spared the words, but it might have raised the slump in Alexandra Danvers’ shoulders or have given her fuel to fight back. This Alex needed fuel - needed something - under what Winn knew to be one of the deepest cuts: the rejection from a loved one.

x

“So this is where you stay.”

Winn had always wondered how over the past few weeks Alex had never appeared to leave but had always remained well kept.

Here, tucked away in what he presumed was one of the doctor’s offices, Winn finally had his answer.

The space seemed complete with a functional mattress and what Winn presumed to be a private bathroom. He had never meant to stumble across Alex, but he had always wondered and when he had seen Alex disappearing into an unfamiliar area of the hospital, he had grown curious.

“It’s nice.”

But it felt invasive – Alex toweling her hair dry and seemingly startled by the sudden intrusion.

“Sorry, I’ll just-“

Exiting into the hall, Winn refused to turn back, purposely returning to the room which he knew housed Kara.

x

“-a game?”

“No.”

“Then why…”

It felt like an invasion he had never intended to lead.

The door had been left propped open ever so slightly and Winn had just heard the most ridiculous of things on set. All he had wanted to do was tell Kara in person, to share some snippet of the world she had been ripped so suddenly from.

“I’m sorry.”

Alex was never supposed to be there. She was never meant to sound all broken hearted and every bit lost.

“I want to believe you, Alex,  _so much_. But you left and I just… I don’t know what to believe any more.”

Nor was Kara – bright bubbly Kara.

Hovering just outside the room, Winn prayed. He prayed for a way to mend broken hearts because Winn wasn’t sure there was enough time to heal them before they bled out.

x

“Why?”

The sun was setting on a comparatively uneventful day.

If Winn was to be honest, he was shocked that nothing had leaked to the press. From the marriage to the breakup to the apparent negatively of Eliza, it gave opportunity after opportunity for  _something_  to slip, to get into the hands of people who wouldn’t see the current events as private but as money, livelihood.

Winn watched as Kara looked up from the book she was reading in bewilderment. Over the course of the past hour, neither had spoken a word. There had been no topic of discussion and no unanswered questions from the previous day.

“Why what, Winn?”

Off the top of his head, Winn could list two dozen questions all of which he did not know why and had at some point plagued his thoughts. But all paled in comparison to the elephant that had lingered in the room ever since Kara had first spoken of ghosts and memories and Winn had thought her heart would never mend.

“Why Alex? When it could literally crumble everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve… I mean she abandoned you for how many years, Kara!”

Alex seemed okay – or at least like she cared in some strange way Winn wasn’t sure most people could recognize. But what Alex represented was heartache and trouble and an unsure risk of future flight. And that was the last thing Winn ever wanted for Kara to experience. Again.

“You probably think I’m stupid. Heh, sometimes I think I’m stupid.”

It was self depreciating and not the way Winn had ever wanted this conversation to go. But as Kara struggled over her words and Winn clamped down on his, he wondered if perhaps there hadn’t been any other way this conversation could possibly go.

At least Kara was talking to him.

“Alex left. She walked out of our marriage before it truly had a chance to even start and to most people… that would be enough.”

If it wasn’t for the weakened state of her body, Winn imagined Kara would have drawn in, arms wrapping around knees as they nestled against her chest.

“I told Lucy when things really started to pick up and she said she could dissolve it. I mean, Alex had been gone so long, I thought maybe she-“

_Died_.

Suddenly, Winn realised that the people Kara had loved most in life had never left of their own volition. Whether it was her parents, her aunt, or her adoptive father, each had left but never intentionally. All Kara had likely expected to return that night through the front door with worn or beaming smiles.

So when Alex had left and she had not returned that night or for the many after, Kara must have felt the same helplessness, the same pain, all over again.

Winn hated Alexandra Danvers all the more.

“But I knew… There are probably a dozen reasons why it shouldn’t be Alex. But they never outweighed why  _I should._  Alex always brought out of me the best. She was this mirror to a part of me I didn’t realise was broken. She made me feel loved when everyone else made me feel tolerated.”

“But Kara-“

Winn had read how victims of abuse or those who clung too much to something that gave too little – stole from them and hurt them – often defended the situation or the individual who had caused them great hurt.

“Sometimes being with Alex felt like dependency; like I needed her to breathe, I needed her to see, to walk, to live life and to be happy. But when Lucy proposed the dissolvement, when my career started to blossom, when James asked me on a date, I realised it was never dependency.”

In the dying rays of the sun, Winn watched as Kara smiled, reminiscent of a realisation that had allowed her more than just acceptance. It had allowed her peace and belief and the ability to move forward in a way nothing else could.

“Until she disappeared, Alex inspired me to overcome my fears everyday by standing to her own day in, day out. She gave her all even when I felt I had nothing to give.”

Under the pale florescent lights, Winn realised it would always be Alex no matter how far or how long they might be apart. Because Kara believed Alex made her better; like a mirror to her darkest corners, illuminating. Because until Alex had broken herself, she had always remained, navigating the dark hand in hand as best she could.

But Alex wasn’t that anymore and Winn wondered if Kara would ever accept that. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.”  
>  Rumi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note some changes have been made from the original in a hopes to bring more clarity to the storyline.

_“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.”_

                                                                                              Rumi

“Cut!”

Winn sunk into the plush chaise of the office set.

It was a far cry from the cold hard plastic his body had molded to under the florescent lights of the hospital waiting room and nothing about it felt right. It gave in all the wrong places and it felt a lot like floating. All of it was just  _too much:_ too much comfort, too much warmth, too much relief.

“How’s she doin’?”

If decorum were not ingrained over and over again by Lucy – no different than a drill sergeant – Winn surely would have groaned, the frustrations of the question slipping passed his lips. It was a simple question. It was a genuine question. And yet, since leaving the hospital early Wednesday morning, it was all Winn heard.

He loved Kara – wanted nothing more than for Kara to be okay, to be stretched out on this far too fluffy prop chaise laughing over botched lines and far too dramatic intentions. But she wasn’t, okay or with him, and Winn hated it. He hated how it made him feel. He hated how nothing would make it better.

Except time, maybe time.

“She is stable in ICU. The doctors seem hopeful.”

His head throbbed. The exhaustion he felt seemed to stretch beyond simply physical - like a steady thrum in his bones that echoed through his body like some unending earthquake.

“Shit. How’s her boyfriend taking it? What was his name – Jason? Jim? No, James!”

Oddly enough, Winn missed the familiarity and the rigidity of the abysmal plastic chairs. At least there, no one asked him questions he didn’t know how to answer.

x

_“Alexandra Danvers?”_

_Winn noticed the way her shoulders tensed, and the corners of her lips twitched ever so downward. It was hardly visible – only discernable after hours of constant observation – and it only served to add to the ambiguity that was Alexandra Danvers._

_“Alex.”_

_Silent understanding splayed across the face of the surgeon. As if somehow, the face that had been present for all but a moment, knew Alexandra Danvers with more profundity than her own mother._

_“Alex; my apologies. As you are aware, Kara sustained severe physical trauma from the accident. For now, she has been stabilized but the next forty-eight hours will be the crucial.”_

_The way the surgeon flipped through the pages on their clipboard made Winn reminiscent of the set of the hospital drama he had met Kara on. The timing was all wrong, but Winn couldn’t shake the memory._

_“I noticed you requested a copy of the report. I have several notes to put together first, but I’ll have Deborah bring it over as soon as I am done.”_

_“When can we see her?”_

_Winn had almost forgotten about James and his constant foot tapping and probing of the nursing staff, desperate for anything._

_“I’m sorry but I can’t say for certain if or when that might be. First, Kara must clear the next forty-eight hours without any major incident. From there, we will revaluate where to proceed moving forward and the next of kin will be informed accordingly. Alex, please don’t go far, Deborah will have your wife’s report shortly.”_

x

Nodding to the security at the door, Winn entered the hospital.

If anyone would have ever told him how calm the cold hard plastic chairs and sterile stench would make him feel, Winn would have called them crazy.

And yet, here he was comforted by the horrible stench and relieved by the feel of plastic against his skin. Even the codes called over head and the intermittent conversations of the hospital staff felt warming.

“Mr. Schott, here to see Mrs. Danvers again?”

It still threw him for a loop, reeling to the side and nattering nonsense.

Whether he had unintentionally caught sight of some legal documentation or caught snippets of conversations not meant for him, Winn struggled to believe the validity of it all. Kara had always been lousy at keeping secrets and he knew everything from the time Kara had stolen Tom Barts’ sandwich in second grade to her love for all things space related.

“Of course, Deborah. Is she still in the same room?”

Then again, up until last week, Winn had also been under the impression that Kara had grown up alone and Mandy Chen had been her high school best friend. However, according to Eliza Danvers, Mandy Chen had hardly been a blip in Kara’s social radar.

Or at least, a blip when compared to Alexandra Danvers.

“Of course, Mr. Schott. Only the best for, Mrs. Danvers.”

As Winn said his thanks and turned to walk down the hall, he wondered how much of “only the best” had more to do with Alex and J’onn than Kara and her celebrity status.

x

“Winn, do you believe in ghosts?”

The script was remarkable, but it paled in comparison to the many dimensions of Kara Zorel –  _Danvers_.

Perhaps it was what had made Kara into the brilliant actress she was; her ability to meld and form to any character and any role. There was no niche, just an excellence where she was set, like a seed planted and tendered to one-day blossom.

And blossoming she was. Or had been until the accident.

“Like the  _Ghostbusters_ kind or  _El Orfanato_?”

Pensive was not one of the many shades of Kara Winn had seen outside of fictional sets or scripted reads. Or maybe it was and Winn had simply never been privy.

“Like… ghosts from your memories. Things that just  _don’t_  exist anymore but it’s… it’s like they’re  _all_  you have. Like they’re all you can  _smell_ and all you can  _feel_.”

It felt wrong, to hear those words –  _feel_ those insecurities – and to know that just outside of the grips of Kara’s consciousness lingered perhaps that very ghost. To know that Alexandra Danvers lingered always just out of reach and to not be able to speak a word of it.

“Maybe- maybe it’s just… the medication they keep giving me and I mean my head has felt foggy ever since I woke up.”

It was killing him.

x

_It had never crossed his mind that Alex held the power to provide visitation rights until the doctor pulled them aside, explaining the rules and stipulations._

_“Alex has granted each of you permission to visit Mrs. Danvers.”_

_It was all serious and formal with eight-point font forms and clause after clause of legalities. Even Lucy looked overwhelmed and Winn knew she thrived in clauses and tiny font and legalities._

_“When Mrs. Danvers regains consciousness she may be confused and easily disorientated. We have come to the consensus that it is best not to overwhelm her. We ask that you not introduce significant events or situations that have occurred since the accident.”_

_“So Alexandra Danvers?”_

_Winn didn’t understand why the straight forwardness of Lucy’s words hit him like a freight train but it hurt and Winn felt the axis of his existence teetering. It was any wonder what thoughts were racing through James’ mind. It was still a lot to take in, either way, and Winn wouldn’t be surprised if he folded like some cheap lawn chair._

_James was a nice guy but a wife was a lot to take in._

_“That is correct. We have agreed it would be for the best for Mrs. Danvers recovery.”_

_Winn wondered if we meant in part Alex._

x

“What is wrong with you- How can you just stand there and do nothing?!”

Hands running through his hair, Winn counted backwards from ten. He was angry. He never got angry.

And yet, Alex seemed to pull it out of him as if he hadn’t spent half of his life working meticulously towards taming it. As if Winn was the bag of potato chips down isle twelve and all Alex had to do was  _yoink_.

When J’onn stood - frame towering and protective - and the nearby posted guard approached, Winn wondered if this was how he was going to go. If it was, the very least Alex could do was just  _tell_ Kara. Ease her growing trepidations. Do  _something_ other than stand by, hidden in the shadows but apparently still felt in every part of Kara’s subconscious.

It figured Alex would remain stoically closed off, shaking off both the guard’s and J’onn’s presence like a general turning away the support of their infantry.

“The posted security in this facility are not just to keep unwanted visitors out, Mr. Schott. I am sure the staff also appreciate calm, respectful guests while they do their work.”

Glancing over at the nursing station, Winn caught the looks of disappointment. They had expected better of him and if Winn was being honest, he did too.

But there was just something about Alex – rigid, aloof Alex – that wound Winn tighter than the spring of a child’s first Jack-in-the-Box.

x

When Winn was twelve he had listened to how his parents screamed, how things broke and how eventually one at a time they left, fading out of his life like early morning fog under the afternoon sun. Ever since that moment he supposed love was an idealization, built in darkness with the shortest of fuses.

Like a one hit wonder.

And nothing thus far had disproved him; not the soaring rate of divorce or the flourishing industry of fantasized realities.

True love didn’t exist and nothing lasted.

But perhaps Alexandra Danvers - hunched over the side of the hospital bed, reciting prose well worn and bound on Kara’s shelf from memory - ignited something. Made Winn silently wish for fairy tale endings and love indefinitely.

Because maybe, Winn knew how much Kara loved it. That book. And just maybe, it hurt a little too much when Kara asked him about ghosts and regrets and love. And just maybe, Winn wanted to believe because if anyone deserved fairy tale endings and love indefinitely it was Kara.  

x

“Why do you do that? Do all that and let him sweep in and take the credit?”

Winn likened talking to Alex like talking to a wall: it didn’t listen, it never offered words in return and more often than not, Winn just felt down right stupid when he turned to leave.

It wasn’t that he didn’t try. No, Winn had tried. But there were only so many times he was willing to have his attempted conversations kiboshed before thinking that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t worth it.

But of course, it only lasted so long and when Winn caught sight of Alex - tucked just out of Kara’s line of sight - it made it all the more difficult  _not_  to say something.

James and Kara looked happy. They laughed happy. But the tucked blankets, the selected meals, the stationary, even the supplies used to clean every inch of Kara’s room were all chosen by Alex. And James got all the credit. It wasn’t hard considering Kara’s assumptions and Alex’s distinct  _absence_ in Kara’s life.

“I mean; James doesn’t even know what she likes in her coffee let alone what detergent she prefers for her linens. But you do; you know what scents she likes for her linens, her preference in the order of her cutlery, and heck, even the arrangement and preferred count for her floral sets!”

If Winn was honest, he had stopped expecting anything from Alex unless it in some way made Kara more comfortable in her hospital room. So when Alex spoke, all low tones and broken, Winn wondered if maybe he had it all wrong.

“Because I never did them for credit. There is no score. Just what is right.”

Maybe Alex wasn’t all rigid and all aloof. Maybe Alex was just as broken as Kara and neither of them knew how to make it better again.

x

“I can’t believe them. They’re supposed to be your fans but… they’re crazy.”

It was an unwritten rule James had signed the moment he and Kara had chosen to pursue more than friendship. Fans were a given in the industry. No one just walked into the kind of lifestyle Kara lived and said ‘no thanks, just hold the fans’ like it was some optional topping on the dish. Part of Kara included the very public aspect: the fans and the media.

James knew that. Winn knew that. Heck, even rigid stoic Alexandra Danvers and her equally quiet friend, J’onn, probably knew that.

“That isn’t true. They just have really big hearts.”

And so did Kara, Winn observed.

Even frail and willowy, the blacks and blues and purples stark against her pale skin, Kara was still looking out for the well being of others. Others she didn’t know; might never know. Even when she had far greater issues to be concerned about; like the way her breathing stuttered when she got even the slightest bit anxious, like her body had forgotten how to draw breath. Or like when her muscles spasmed making simple tasks seemingly more difficult than climbing a mountain.

“Pfft, you’d probably forgive anyone. Even Alex.”

The silence in the room felt deafening and Winn wished for a magical button that could erase the tumultuous wave of emotions contorting Kara’s features: confusion, agony, betrayal. But there was no magic button and as the world seemed to regain its speed, Winn wished instead for time. Time to make things better.

Personally, Winn had nothing against James.

He was a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and a respectable career in free lance journalism.

But sometimes he could just be an idiot and his ugly green head of jealousy became a little too much. Sometimes, Winn wished James would just keep his mouth shut and his jealousy in check and remember that this wasn’t the time for everything to be about him.

“Wh-what did you just say?”

It sounded part broken, part livid, and Winn felt trepidation for the way Kara’s body shook like a leaf amidst a storm, teetering on the edge of separation. Kara was bright, bubbly, and sometimes frustrated, sometimes sad. But more often than not she was this eternal fountain of optimism.  

“Shit, no. Kara. I didn’t-“

“What did you say!”

Her breathing was short and erratic and Winn wondered if maybe he should pull the cord, call the nurses. Because either Kara was going to pass out or she was going to lunge and then pass out. Either way, none of it sounded good and Kara just needed to rest and to heal and to be okay again.

“Look, Kara, forget what I said. It was stupid and-“

Winn silently agreed, it was stupid. But the world didn’t work in take backs and some magical rewind button.

“Get out.”

Outside the room, Winn heard the sound of voices and commotion. When the staff entered, pushing past his body and towards Kara, Winn was hardly surprised.

“Kara, I-“

The narrowed eyes of the staff and the unspoken ushering was all Winn needed. It wasn’t like he wanted to leave Kara – trembling and broken – but Winn knew there were no words that could fix this.

“Now!”

In the hall, Winn noticed how equally anxious Alex looked.

Winn wasn’t a betting man but if he was he would bet Alex was internally berating herself. She had that same look he did, pinched into the corners of her brow when Winn felt his worth stripped and his inner voice taking hold in the most volatile of ways.

Pressing his back into the white washed wall, Winn allowed his body to sink, settling down beside the form of Alexandra Danvers.

“You’re stupid.”

If J’onn looked every part offended, Winn never saw, his attention focused on the small off white speck on the wall ahead and the gut wrenching sobs from the room behind him. It was heart breaking and Winn didn’t understand how Alex could just  _be_.

“I know.”


End file.
